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RUTHSKI: Trichel wins. Jeeves, as you have lost a duel of words, you are heretofore permanently silenced.

ME: Can you buy me another beer?

JEEVES: Rogert Q. Bagel. You-

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ME, CLEARLY IN EARSHOT OF THE BARTENDER: Michael, can you buy me a beer?

MICHAEL: They’re doing great, Rogert. Cleo’s just got her first tooth, and Junior’s almost walking.

MICHAEL: Rogert, are you sure? You’ve somehow managed to down like five beers during the course of this conversation, despite the fact that the server only brought over one bottle.

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JEEVES: I’m Jeeves.

THE SERVER, NAME UNKNOWN: Uh, what kind?

Right next to him is me.

What is the dirtiest thing you have witnessed your wife do?

An air of tension lies thick in the deserted saloon. The moderator sits on his high stool, worried for his friend. The dishonored answerer waits for the verdict with a cruel smile on his face. The actor reclines in the corner, enjoying the show. The former peanut is obviously trying to find a way to steal a beer from behind the bar. The proprietor gather his thoughts.

ME: Holy shit, it’s Jeeves!

JEEVES: I don’t want to wait that long. I want to do it now.

How can I remove decimals in math?

MICHAEL: Yeah, we got that.

MICAHEL: You hated Rouge?

The two sit in a comfortable silence as they wait for their beers to be delivered. Large television screens across the establishment broadcast entirely too many angles of the same low-stakes professional billiards match. The last vestiges of sunlight have just died outside, giving way to the cover of darkness.

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ME: I am a lawyer, and I’ve got a plan to take care of it: Kill all the other guys with chainsaws

ME (To the server): One beer, please!

MICHAEL: Please stop telegraphing all the crimes you commit. Also, stop committing crimes. It makes you look like a bad godparent.

What steps have you taken to stop being a targeted individual by gang stalkers? What has worked, what would you have done differently?

JEEVES: Yes.

Then Jeeves, quick as lightning, slaps me across the face with one of his leather biker gloves.

MICHAEL: Rogert, Rogert. I love your jokes but you can’t go around saying shit like that in public places, they are going to arrest you eventually.

Can you describe your experience taking the AIPMT/NEET entrance exam? Did you feel nervous or afraid while entering the examination hall and writing the exam?

MICHAEL: Not a problem, buddy. You do have to pay me back, though.

ME: That doesn’t make any sense. Change your verdict now

Another chime heralds another figure in the doorway. A 7′10″ beast of a man barely squeezes through the doorway. A pitch-black anchor tattooed on his forehead fails to distract from the big mean face he’s putting on. Inscribed on his leather jacket is what we can only assume is his name and title: JEEVES.

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ME: I cheated off of him on my final exams whilst I was getting my Master’s in 6, down at 7 (Place of Learning)!

ME: Hold on, I gotta go steal the footage real quick.

MICHAEL: Thank you.

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MICHAEL: What?

ME: $100

We showed up and I asked for a Peoria Sidecar. The painting of a bartender was so offended it kicked us out and we had to go find a new bar. We had to go to another city - that was the last bar in my hometown that hadn’t banned me yet.

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ME: Yeah sure.

Michael slams the table and laughs uproariously.

Just then, at the eleventh hour, while Jeeves was distracted saying his own name, Michael slides the owner a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

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RUTHSKI: Jeeves wins.

ME (TO RUTHSKI, IN A SHOW OF PROFOUNDLY BAD JUDGMENT): I’m gonna sneak behind the bar and steal one.

MICHAEL: All right then. Is there anything else you want to say before we leave CCTV range?

What is the most gay experience with your dad?

The stars shine down on this 3/5 drinking establishment. The TV screens now display an agonizingly long game of Monopoly between 16 participants, each held there by the promise of the grand prize: The real life Broadway St.

RUTHSKI: Round one. Trichel’s move.

ME: To one thousand more, my actual friend!

Why are Democrats at Q so desperate that they keep taking down my links to comments that prove the residents in Ohio have been filing complaints about the Haitians eating the local wildlife from ponds in the local parks? Election interference

RUTHSKI: I -

ME: Oh ok, I’m still down. As the challenged, I choose…mmm…..here, and … in six years!

THE SERVER, NAME STILL UNKNOWN: Here you go.

RUTHSKI: Holy shit shut the fuck up all of you. I’m going to give my judgement now.

ME: Okay.

RUTHSKI: No, I already said I’m cutting you off.

MICHAEL: What does a duel of words actually entail?

JEEVES: Rogert Trichel Bagel. You have wronged me for the last time. Back at 7 (Place of Learning) I let you walk all over me. But I thought, at least you were supporting my venture - my website - my AskJeeves.com, where anyone can ask me anything and receive a 100% accurate and factual response! But as soon as that little mom n’ pop $2 billion internet startup Quorat or whatever entered the scene, you abandoned me.

JEEVES:

RUTHSKI: Are you done yet?

ME: Shit

ME: From the beers or the duel?

Ruthski furiously stamps out the fire and turns on the fluorescent lights.

The real, unpainted wait staff are escorting all the mundane patrons out of the establishment, in keeping with what they have just been informed are traditional duel regulations. Along the walls, tables and chairs are neatly assembled, leaving only a narrow aisle of open space. With the gibbous moon’s light cut off by the thick curtains, the room is now lit only by the real fire in the faux hearth.

RUTHSKI: Trichel you clearly have no fucking idea how advertising works. You picked like five different things half of which aren’t even products sold by corporations. War bonds are shit sold by the government and take like ten years to pay out and don’t give sponsorships. Pepsi probably wouldn’t appreciate you saying to drink until you die and I have no idea what that hundred dollars shit was about or why you kept doing that motion with your arms. I have never seen such a poor performance in any competition ever before. You have completely and utterly lost this stupid duel.

ME: Buy —→ War Bonds ←— Purchase —→ Pepsi, Perform the stock market ‘short’ operation upon the —→ Silver, Gold, Cadmium, AskJeeves. —-> —-> → $100.

ME: Ok.

ME: Okay I’m ready

JEEVES:

ME: I make my best posts when I’m drunk.

RUTHSKI: Okay you’re banned. Get out.

The hostess approaches us and brings us to one of those super tall tables with the annoying stools. I wanted a booth instead, but Michael’s too much of a punk-bitch to say no. I wanted a booth.

MICHAEL: Aren’t you still working on that degree?

MICHAEL: Are you on Quora on your phone right now? You need to pay attention, this is important.

JEEVES:

ME: Ready, your honor.

MICHAEL: Can we talk now, please? I know you don’t like speaking while not being recorded.

Five souls remain in the bar: Jeeves, Michael, Me, Ruthski (The guy who owns the bar, in case you forgot since that was namedropped way back in like Act 1), and Robert Downey Jr. Mr Downey Jr. wasn’t part of the proceedings obviously, but he asked to stay very nicely and Jeeves assented, so for the rest of this post assume he’s in the corner.

RUTHSKI: Both.

RUTHSKI: The state requires that I properly officiate any duel that takes place on my premises. That being said I fucking hate all of you excluding of course Mister Downey Junior because this shit is losing me money by the second because I guess you had to settle this on a three-day weekend.

RUTHSKI: What the fuck? Who lit a fire? That’s not a real fucking hearth you idiots it’s all polystyrene.

ME: I’m not joking.

ME: Do you think they have beer here? I want a beer.

MICHAEL: Who?

MICHAEL: You know what? I’d walk another 8 hours in the desert for you, Rogert.

ME: You know, I should have advertised an Eraserh-

MICHAEL: Don’t, Rogert. Not tonight.

ME: I like Quora. I don’t want just to ask questions. I want to answer them.

RUTHSKI: Okay I’m cutting you off now.

I guzzle some more amber ambrosia from my pint glass.

ME: I really like this beer.

MICHAEL: Is that all you have to say? We’ve been walking through the desert for like eight hours because you got kicked out of the last damn bar back home.

JEEVES: Did you know that they’re not even publicly traded, Rogert? They have no incentive to grow their profits! None whatsoever! I, JEEVES, am fully shareholder accountable! And with the power vested in me by my 7.9% amortized annual returns, I challenge you to a duel -

JEEVES: I’m Jeeves.

Ruthski’s Finest is once again bustling, the clientele slightly confused and greatly inconvenienced by the recently concluded spectacle. Ruthski sits in his office, a stiff drink nearly empty on his desk. Jeeves looms near the hearth, more still than the toxic polystyrene ashes, silent as he shall be ever more. Framed by a window just barely in view of the camera which recorded all these events, two figures sit on the curb. Lilies bloom around them, bizarrely implying they are going to die somehow, even though that makes no sense.

RUTHSKI: Contestants, to your positions.

MICHAEL: Please don’t tell me you’re still doing that - that makes two people you’ve gotten kicked out of that program in this exact manner. I’m still kinda mad about that by the way, but I guess it worked out since I went to an actual college afterwards.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I think they have beer here.

YOU: What a great Quora post! *upvotes*

MICHAEL: Get him a Trinity Trust, it’s his favorite. A PBR for me please, thanks.

MICHAEL: Not sure how you just said that but I appreciate the sentiment. How about you? How are things going with Rouge? The late Thomas Bagel’s estate? Sorry for your loss, by the way.

JEEVES: I’m Jeeves.

MICHAEL: No.

ME, NOT REALLY CARING: Ok.

ME: Thanks Michael, you really saved my ass back there. I’m glad you picked up on my hint.

MICHAEL: To one thousand posts!

ME: Bagel’s estate is basically worthless anyway. Turns out that he only owned the topsoil, so he doesn’t have the rights to all the priceless rubies in his vault.

RUTHSKI: Round one. First move, Jeeves.

A chime heralds the opening of the saloon doors, and two figures there stand. One, a man no taller than 5′11″ with unblemished milky skin that gives way to what will in a few years time be a balding scalp, but which for now stands as a luscious mane of whiskey-tinted hair. A pair of round spectacles frame his emerald eyes, perched upon his angular nose. The creeping five o’clock shadow and a slight sheen of sweat from hours of walking give him the look of a rugged workman that he probably doesn’t deserve, given his line of employment. Slung over his shoulder is a sweater, long since removed under the sun’s heat, revealing a well-ironed navy blue button-up. A nice pair of slacks and some slick brown Oxfords complete a look that’s probably too good for this night out.

MICHAEL: This is grotesque. This is truly horrifying.

A look of abject horror is written across the man-mountain’s face.

ME: Hooray! I won! Bartender, a beer one more, and on the house if you please!

There’s no need to integrate shit - they already capture everything. What, you don’t believe me? You want proof? Me and my buddy Michael went to the bar last night and the cameras totally captured all the craaaaazy shit we got up to. Here, let me spend several hours painstakingly transcribing all the footage that I illegally acquired from the establishment in question.

Another beat passes, more awkwardly this time.

JEEVES:

ME: Hold on I’m doing something

JEEVES: Ready.

RUTHSKI: No.

JEEVES, WHO RUDELY KEPT TALKING EVEN THOUGH I INTERRUPTED HIM: - of words!

A beat. At this hour, the low din from the bar’s customers is only rarely interrupted by a passing vagabond or vehicle.

ME, TO MYSELF: That sponsorship was so boring. I’m sure to win!

ME: I accept!

[POST COMMENTED UPON BY QUORA MODERATOR MICHAEL. COMMENT: What great night out. Can’t wait for the next one, Rogert.]

The two clink their beers together.

ME: (Ignoring Michael’s little question): He got booted from the program because they assumed he cheated off of me, rather than the reverse which actually happened. Also he’s from AskJeeves.com if that wasn’t clear, he looks a lot different than he used to. I guess the camera subtracts 3 feet or whatever.

OPEN SCENE: It is eleven A.M. The bar, one ‘Pub de la Ocho’, is populated almost exclusively by men who seem far too old to be alive, let alone drinking by themselves at this hour. A painting of a bartender sits behind the bar, apparently doing a good enough job.

ME: I have a few ideas. But that’s enough of that business shit, how are my godkids doin’?

MICHAEL: Oh yeah you’re right, it is one hundred. Good honesty.

MICHAEL: Have you thought about what your one-thousandth post is going to be, Rogert? I’m honestly a little confused as to why we’re celebrating before you’ve actually done it.

MICHAEL: I just finished buying you a beer. You still owe me like 90 bucks.

JEEVES: The all-new Dyson Hypervac sports a slick ergonomic grip, improved reach, and a powerful 1kW engine that will remove every speck of dirt in your home guaranteed or your money back.

ME: Just wait and see, Michael. I’m gonna winner.

JEEVES: Simple. We use the only meaningful metric for an online poster: Ability to shill for big corporations.

MICHAEL: Seriously, stop saying that.

MICHAEL: That’s a mighty injustice, Rogert. Why haven’t you hired a lawyer to take care of it?

ME: $100

OPEN SCENE: Dusk is just painting the sky. The bar, one ‘Ruthski’s Finest’, is crowded with mingling couples and a smidgen of lonely singles. An artificial rustic atmosphere is established by a Chekhov’s gun tastefully placed on a mantle above a faux-hearth. Three servers cruise around the room, assisting patrons and pouring beers - which is to say, assisting patrons BY pouring beers.

ME: Uh no, I was lying about that part to make myself feel better. Uh. One second

MICHAEL: Yeah, we know.

ME: Well yeah. How else are we gonna get back home they don’t have Uber out here

JEEVES, DISTANTLY:

ME: I love beer.

ME: Woohoo!

A slight smile cracks Michael’s visage.

ME: It’s Trichel now.

ME: Purchase pepsi buy soda drink soda until you die Get more soda in you do it now some eggs too but MOSTLY, principally, the pepsi scratch the eggs

ME: 👍❤️❤️

ME: No need to apologize, I fuckin hated them both. Bagel put me in charge of this estate and now I got all this damn paperwork.

RUTHSKI: It’s been your turn this whole time. Go.

MICHAEL: If anything, you seem more sober now than when we walked in.

ME: Can I have another beer?